Dear God (2nd Letter)

Dear God,

Hey it's me again. God I want to talk to you about our on again, off again relationship. I remember when I first learned about you. I was in awe and couldn't wait to learn more about you. I was closer to you than anyone. I told you all my secrets even though you already knew them and you were my super hero. Anything I asked you for I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you could make it happen. I had complete unwavering faith in you God. What happened? Why do I no longer have a child like faith in you? I guess you are probably wondering the same thing.

Truth is God, I do not have a definite answer to give you. Truth is I don't even know myself. When I come to you, walk with you, and try to get closer to you I exhaust all my effort in doing so. This is upsetting to me, shouldn't it be effortless God? I am so passionate about things, I get completely caught up in the moment at Church. I have cried at the alter many many times. I have fasted with the church. I try to follow your teachings and I forgive people, help people anyway I can, and I used to volunteer at least 2 times a month until I had my child. I mean I will go for a while putting you first and making my world revolve around you. What boggles even myself is how do I go from that to backsliding. It's not that I get mad at you and want to take a break or anything. It just seems like somehow for some reason we go from hot to cold.

Maybe it's the people in my life, or maybe it's people in general and I am not as strong minded as I would like to think I am. I know whenever I start back to church or make it evident that I am attempting to live for you people put me and my life under a microscope. If I do anything even slightly controversial people throw it in my face. I wish people would understand that when I say I am a Christian I am not saying I am better than anyone, or that I am perfect. I do not shove religion down anyones throut, nor do I get a high and mighty attitude. Actually it is the opposite, and I have found following you to be a very humbling experience. Maybe it's having to answer for my mess ups, and having to explain myself, and loosing some friendships that I care about that makes me slowly tear away from you.

God, the whole free will thing is something I understand. I have listened to many sermons on it, and I know the devil plays a strong role in things. It's so difficult to be human sometimes. But I want you to know I am sorry. It's not that I ever stopped believing in you it is not because I got mad at you. I guess it's just my own fault for me thinking I have to get certain things in my life situated before I can go to church or seek out a better relationship with you. I guess I need to realize that I need you in order to get anything straight in my life, and maybe just maybe part of my problem is the fact I am trying to do so much without you. I need you in my life, I just wish I could stay at your side and walk with you without stumpling and falling back more than I would like to.

But for whatever it's worth, I am sorry.