Dear God,
I know I ask for a lot, and I know that everything is done on your time. But God, I need a job badly. I know we are not supposed to concentrate on worldly things but Lord I need a job. There is so much stress on my husband and he works so hard to stay afloat. It makes me sad to see him come home from a minimum 11 hour work day and just be so mentally and physically exhausting. God I have been searching, and interviewing, and doing everything I can for a solid 5 months.
What am I doing wrong? Do I need to go back to my roots and get on my knees rather than talking to you out loud. Do you want me to fast, because if that is what it would take I will do it. If you want me to make the time and go to church and worship like I used to I will. God the issue is I have no clue what it is that you want me to do? Maybe I should be doing all of these things. Maybe It's just Satan trying my faith. Please lord help me. I know we are not supposed to tempt God, or ask you to give us a sign. But man, I just wish there was some way I would know that I am heading in the right direction, someway I know that I am doing what you want me to.
I know you know what is in my future even though it is completely unknown to me. I know that no psychic hot line or horoscope will tell me what's ahead or what I need to be doing. I know that I am supposed to leave all my fears and worries with you God. I am supposed to leave it at the alter and just pray that you do what you do best. But man oh man, I think that is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I am a sinner, and I am far from a saint
I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. But for some reason I have a hard time staying on the straight and narrow. I can not pinpoint any single person or event that had anything in common as far as the times in my life when I have backslide. It's actually rather frustrating to be honest. The place where I feel like I am where I am supposed to be is/was at Church. Church is not 7 days a week and as much as we love Saturday night worship it does not always happen because it is just a little earlier than we need it to be to work with our schedule.
People say it's all about who you surround yourself with. Okay, I took that to heart. I have one female friend I can talk to about God. My husband has no male friends that share a faith in God, and he is so shy it's not like he will just go to a men's group at church by himself. So I asked my one female friend if she could have her boyfriend & his brother, who my husband knew, get in touch with him to pray about things. At the time we were at an all time low point. Nobody ever called him and at that point I think I lost a little Faith in people who go to church and are Christians.
Now I am not downing anyone. It just seemed like when we needed faith based friends there were none. I mean I have my one friend I talk to on the computer but what ever happened to "visitation"? Does anyone even know what that is anymore?? Maybe it's because I was raised in a small church, but visitation was our churches way of going to your house and saying hi, talking with you, and if you were missing from church saying we missed you. I miss that, maybe I need to leave the church I love so much now and go back to my roots. The worship was not as elaborate, but I knew my church cared.
I have written "notes" on Facebook or "Blogs" on Myspace about my struggle with walking with God. I have tagged and/or made sure my Christian friends knew about it or saw it. MAYBE Maaayyyybbeee one of my Christian friends would message me or post a comment. It seems like my friends who really were not active in their faith were the ones supporting me or offering advice. Maybe that has affected me and contributed to my backsliding, who knows.
Now I am not looking to blame my on again off again relationship with God on. I know I am an adult and I am responsable for my own thoughts and actions. I guess I just needed to blog this afternoon and vent. I think that people who are Christians should really give some advice when someone reaches out. Ehhh maybe I'm just in a sour mood this afternoon.
People say it's all about who you surround yourself with. Okay, I took that to heart. I have one female friend I can talk to about God. My husband has no male friends that share a faith in God, and he is so shy it's not like he will just go to a men's group at church by himself. So I asked my one female friend if she could have her boyfriend & his brother, who my husband knew, get in touch with him to pray about things. At the time we were at an all time low point. Nobody ever called him and at that point I think I lost a little Faith in people who go to church and are Christians.
Now I am not downing anyone. It just seemed like when we needed faith based friends there were none. I mean I have my one friend I talk to on the computer but what ever happened to "visitation"? Does anyone even know what that is anymore?? Maybe it's because I was raised in a small church, but visitation was our churches way of going to your house and saying hi, talking with you, and if you were missing from church saying we missed you. I miss that, maybe I need to leave the church I love so much now and go back to my roots. The worship was not as elaborate, but I knew my church cared.
I have written "notes" on Facebook or "Blogs" on Myspace about my struggle with walking with God. I have tagged and/or made sure my Christian friends knew about it or saw it. MAYBE Maaayyyybbeee one of my Christian friends would message me or post a comment. It seems like my friends who really were not active in their faith were the ones supporting me or offering advice. Maybe that has affected me and contributed to my backsliding, who knows.
Now I am not looking to blame my on again off again relationship with God on. I know I am an adult and I am responsable for my own thoughts and actions. I guess I just needed to blog this afternoon and vent. I think that people who are Christians should really give some advice when someone reaches out. Ehhh maybe I'm just in a sour mood this afternoon.
Dear God ( 3rd Letter)
Dear God,
God you and I have to talk about this job thing. I know you love to receive praise more than my long list of wants and needs. But I have been searching since April for a job. I have interviewed, and to my knowledge done very well at the interviews. God, I ask before each interview that you would let this be the one. I do not mean to complain, but why have I not yet been blessed with a job? I know you have a plan and things happen when you see fit for them to happen, but God me having a job is not one of my wants, it is a need.
I know I have no right to question you, I mean you are God. But man oh man this is weighing on my mind and heart. Is it revenge God? Do you even do the whole revenge thing?? I think sometimes you are ignoring me as I have ignored you in the past. What am I doing wrong? Should I fast, pray more, or is there nothing I can do because now just is not the time.
I know the Devil is real God, but I know you are more powerful than him. If it is Satan keeping me from finding work then why don't you just knock him out and help me God? I do not understand why I feel like the only sheep that has somehow gotten herself lost? I know I ask alot of questions, and I know I will never get an e-mail or response from you. But man oh man if you would just help me out and somehow show me what direction I need to go I would be so happy.
God you and I have to talk about this job thing. I know you love to receive praise more than my long list of wants and needs. But I have been searching since April for a job. I have interviewed, and to my knowledge done very well at the interviews. God, I ask before each interview that you would let this be the one. I do not mean to complain, but why have I not yet been blessed with a job? I know you have a plan and things happen when you see fit for them to happen, but God me having a job is not one of my wants, it is a need.
I know I have no right to question you, I mean you are God. But man oh man this is weighing on my mind and heart. Is it revenge God? Do you even do the whole revenge thing?? I think sometimes you are ignoring me as I have ignored you in the past. What am I doing wrong? Should I fast, pray more, or is there nothing I can do because now just is not the time.
I know the Devil is real God, but I know you are more powerful than him. If it is Satan keeping me from finding work then why don't you just knock him out and help me God? I do not understand why I feel like the only sheep that has somehow gotten herself lost? I know I ask alot of questions, and I know I will never get an e-mail or response from you. But man oh man if you would just help me out and somehow show me what direction I need to go I would be so happy.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Dear God (2nd Letter)
Dear God,
Hey it's me again. God I want to talk to you about our on again, off again relationship. I remember when I first learned about you. I was in awe and couldn't wait to learn more about you. I was closer to you than anyone. I told you all my secrets even though you already knew them and you were my super hero. Anything I asked you for I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you could make it happen. I had complete unwavering faith in you God. What happened? Why do I no longer have a child like faith in you? I guess you are probably wondering the same thing.
Truth is God, I do not have a definite answer to give you. Truth is I don't even know myself. When I come to you, walk with you, and try to get closer to you I exhaust all my effort in doing so. This is upsetting to me, shouldn't it be effortless God? I am so passionate about things, I get completely caught up in the moment at Church. I have cried at the alter many many times. I have fasted with the church. I try to follow your teachings and I forgive people, help people anyway I can, and I used to volunteer at least 2 times a month until I had my child. I mean I will go for a while putting you first and making my world revolve around you. What boggles even myself is how do I go from that to backsliding. It's not that I get mad at you and want to take a break or anything. It just seems like somehow for some reason we go from hot to cold.
Maybe it's the people in my life, or maybe it's people in general and I am not as strong minded as I would like to think I am. I know whenever I start back to church or make it evident that I am attempting to live for you people put me and my life under a microscope. If I do anything even slightly controversial people throw it in my face. I wish people would understand that when I say I am a Christian I am not saying I am better than anyone, or that I am perfect. I do not shove religion down anyones throut, nor do I get a high and mighty attitude. Actually it is the opposite, and I have found following you to be a very humbling experience. Maybe it's having to answer for my mess ups, and having to explain myself, and loosing some friendships that I care about that makes me slowly tear away from you.
God, the whole free will thing is something I understand. I have listened to many sermons on it, and I know the devil plays a strong role in things. It's so difficult to be human sometimes. But I want you to know I am sorry. It's not that I ever stopped believing in you it is not because I got mad at you. I guess it's just my own fault for me thinking I have to get certain things in my life situated before I can go to church or seek out a better relationship with you. I guess I need to realize that I need you in order to get anything straight in my life, and maybe just maybe part of my problem is the fact I am trying to do so much without you. I need you in my life, I just wish I could stay at your side and walk with you without stumpling and falling back more than I would like to.
But for whatever it's worth, I am sorry.
Hey it's me again. God I want to talk to you about our on again, off again relationship. I remember when I first learned about you. I was in awe and couldn't wait to learn more about you. I was closer to you than anyone. I told you all my secrets even though you already knew them and you were my super hero. Anything I asked you for I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you could make it happen. I had complete unwavering faith in you God. What happened? Why do I no longer have a child like faith in you? I guess you are probably wondering the same thing.
Truth is God, I do not have a definite answer to give you. Truth is I don't even know myself. When I come to you, walk with you, and try to get closer to you I exhaust all my effort in doing so. This is upsetting to me, shouldn't it be effortless God? I am so passionate about things, I get completely caught up in the moment at Church. I have cried at the alter many many times. I have fasted with the church. I try to follow your teachings and I forgive people, help people anyway I can, and I used to volunteer at least 2 times a month until I had my child. I mean I will go for a while putting you first and making my world revolve around you. What boggles even myself is how do I go from that to backsliding. It's not that I get mad at you and want to take a break or anything. It just seems like somehow for some reason we go from hot to cold.
Maybe it's the people in my life, or maybe it's people in general and I am not as strong minded as I would like to think I am. I know whenever I start back to church or make it evident that I am attempting to live for you people put me and my life under a microscope. If I do anything even slightly controversial people throw it in my face. I wish people would understand that when I say I am a Christian I am not saying I am better than anyone, or that I am perfect. I do not shove religion down anyones throut, nor do I get a high and mighty attitude. Actually it is the opposite, and I have found following you to be a very humbling experience. Maybe it's having to answer for my mess ups, and having to explain myself, and loosing some friendships that I care about that makes me slowly tear away from you.
God, the whole free will thing is something I understand. I have listened to many sermons on it, and I know the devil plays a strong role in things. It's so difficult to be human sometimes. But I want you to know I am sorry. It's not that I ever stopped believing in you it is not because I got mad at you. I guess it's just my own fault for me thinking I have to get certain things in my life situated before I can go to church or seek out a better relationship with you. I guess I need to realize that I need you in order to get anything straight in my life, and maybe just maybe part of my problem is the fact I am trying to do so much without you. I need you in my life, I just wish I could stay at your side and walk with you without stumpling and falling back more than I would like to.
But for whatever it's worth, I am sorry.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Dear God (1st Letter)
Dear God,
I always seem to be able to convey my emotions better when I write. When I was little if I was really mad at my mom I would write her a letter and put it on her dresser. When something is bothering me with a friend I write them a letter, If people made me angry in the past I would Blog, and now here I am writing a letter to you. I guess in my mind writing you a letter is my way of making you more real to me. I mean I know your real, and I always have. It's just that this seems like a better outlet for me than saying a prayer. I hope you do not mind. After all I am saying all this in my head as I type you this letter so it is like praying, right? Ehhh, I really hope so atleast.
God, I don't know if I will publish this or any other letter I write to you. After all prayer is a personal thing. I have talked to a couple of friends about it since I do blog on a regular basis. The thought behind letting others read what I send to you is that other people can read what I struggle with and know they are not the only ones dealing with similar situations. I don't know maybe it is more me hoping that this will help me to connect with people who share a love of you, and also struggle with there Faith.
I know you only give me what I can handle, sometimes I question your faith in my ability to handle so much sometimes. Sometimes you put alot on people. I know my mom has gone through sooo much. Why is it that you put so much on such a good person. I know she is strong, and clearly so do you, But why give some people so much and other so little to deal with? I know that like my mom, I have survived all that you trusted me to handle, but man sometimes you make it where I have so much to deal with I think I start to loose my sanity.
Is the "God only gives you what you can handle" thing a test? I am being serious. You know it's kinda like when we pray for patience we don't just magically wake up more patient the next morning. Nope, God when we pray for you to make us more patient you put us in the middle of traffic. Why do you do that God?? I mean wouldn't it be easier and maybe easier for you if you just make us more patient in our sleep? You put us in traffic, we get mad, and then we do and say some things that you tend to frown on. As a result we find ourselves in prayer asking for you to forgive our words and in some cases actions.
I guess that is why you are God. The Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I don't really understand why you do what you do or the timing of when you do things. But I guess you know and that should be good enough for me. I just wish that there was some way for you to write back, and maybe then I could understand you completely.
I must run for now. I will write you later.
I always seem to be able to convey my emotions better when I write. When I was little if I was really mad at my mom I would write her a letter and put it on her dresser. When something is bothering me with a friend I write them a letter, If people made me angry in the past I would Blog, and now here I am writing a letter to you. I guess in my mind writing you a letter is my way of making you more real to me. I mean I know your real, and I always have. It's just that this seems like a better outlet for me than saying a prayer. I hope you do not mind. After all I am saying all this in my head as I type you this letter so it is like praying, right? Ehhh, I really hope so atleast.
God, I don't know if I will publish this or any other letter I write to you. After all prayer is a personal thing. I have talked to a couple of friends about it since I do blog on a regular basis. The thought behind letting others read what I send to you is that other people can read what I struggle with and know they are not the only ones dealing with similar situations. I don't know maybe it is more me hoping that this will help me to connect with people who share a love of you, and also struggle with there Faith.
I know you only give me what I can handle, sometimes I question your faith in my ability to handle so much sometimes. Sometimes you put alot on people. I know my mom has gone through sooo much. Why is it that you put so much on such a good person. I know she is strong, and clearly so do you, But why give some people so much and other so little to deal with? I know that like my mom, I have survived all that you trusted me to handle, but man sometimes you make it where I have so much to deal with I think I start to loose my sanity.
Is the "God only gives you what you can handle" thing a test? I am being serious. You know it's kinda like when we pray for patience we don't just magically wake up more patient the next morning. Nope, God when we pray for you to make us more patient you put us in the middle of traffic. Why do you do that God?? I mean wouldn't it be easier and maybe easier for you if you just make us more patient in our sleep? You put us in traffic, we get mad, and then we do and say some things that you tend to frown on. As a result we find ourselves in prayer asking for you to forgive our words and in some cases actions.
I guess that is why you are God. The Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I don't really understand why you do what you do or the timing of when you do things. But I guess you know and that should be good enough for me. I just wish that there was some way for you to write back, and maybe then I could understand you completely.
I must run for now. I will write you later.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)